I can't surf

So I've come to the harsh realization that I am a terrible internet surfer. I never find cool shit online on my own, it usually just gets shown to me by others, its like riding a surfboard with training wheels. I look like these kids, except it doesnt look as cool on the internet.

There are several implications to this...
1) I will slowly whither away into irrelevance
2) I'm probably going to actually get shit done this summer at my internship
3) Facebook doesnt count as surfing
4) That tattoo I had planned of surfing in a sea of binary code is totally out of the question
5) I spent myself in the last bullet using the term binary code
6) INTERNET SURFER SPEAK IS WAY LESS COOL THAN SURFER SLANG (lol=gnarly?)

And Questions...
1) Can you drown internet surfing?
2) Where do you go big wave internet surfing
3) Can you be a specialist surfer... "Alex Aloise, porn surfing pro since '99"
4) Where do you show off your skillz (gross) as a internet surfer?... "Richmond Web Surf Invitational"
5) Do pro internet surfers get laid? Mark Zuckerberg?

Just some food for thought... Marinate.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

So I had forgotten about this video until a recent reference to "The Final Countdown" by Europe was made. I think I was better off having forgotten to be totally honest. Below is a video my friends and I made at some point in undergrad. Be nice it was shot and edited in one night. Not meant to be a masterpiece, more just for shits and grins.

I was hesitant to post the video for fear of publicly embarrassing myself... but then I realized that the 2-6 hits I get a day on this blog is not enough to embarrass me. And in the event that this is the post that sends my blog to superstardom... Fuckin' sweet, it was worth the embarrassment. I hope it makes you laugh, cry, feel uncomfortable... really uncomfortable.

Finally... Now I can make sure he's not a scrub!

I suppose it was only a matter of time right? There is a website dedicated to checking to see if your man is a cheater, or registering one, "DontDateHimGirl.com". I couldnt make this up. It's like registering someone as a sex offender. With the proliferation of information it had, to happen but is this cool? Any bitter girlfriend can post about you on this website without a way to prove it, seems defaming to me.

To test it out i'm thinking of posting a profile of myself, it would look something like this (including internet tween typing).


Joseph "Joey" Camire

This guy is really weird. Stay away ladies coz his shit is wack. He will tell you all kindz of stuff about luvin u but he just wants one thing.... cake!
I've seen him lie cheat and steal for one bite of that betty crocker goodness. He'll say things like "no i really love you, your a princess" to get you to bake for him, but watch out. Once he gets that funfetti in him, he's a different man. Its like he's on a sugar high. You think you can just give him ritalin and it will be enuf, dont fool yourself girl, this man is hyper on a whole new level. Look at this weird ass picture, even his friends are all like "who brought the duncan heins". Just watch out ladies dont be fooled by his charm, he ain't all DAT. If you can get away, do it fast before he ruins you kitchen and your credit with expensive pastry charges.


At least that how i would see it going. And then there would be comments below that read like...

"awwwwww yeah girl, he wandered into my life without a cake to frost, left me knee deep in flour without an egg to beat!"
"I heard that, not even betty crocker could satisfy his needs, run girl run"


That would be wicked f'in awesome. I need to get on that site.

So i may have found the greatest commercial I have ever seen. Not because of strategy or shooting or anything like that. This commercial is great because it is totally taking advantage of sex jokes to market things related to sex. A crazy idea i know, but the people at Kotex are revolutionaries, the words "comfort safe wings" come to mine. We all know what a beaver is, lets be serious, if you say you don't you are a dirty dirty dirty liar and your beaver probably has strange growths or something of the sort, but did you ever think you would see it referenced in a commercial?

This commercial is from Austrailia, I'm sure it could never make it to the tv sets across our country. Some baptist housewife somewhere would probably faint just from the idea of someone referencing her beaver. I've always heard wonderful things from people about Austrailia, but i never really had an urge to go... until now. If you can call a beaver a beaver on TV then i may have found the motherland. If I can find an ad where they are marketing condoms for men with a rooster you may never see me again.

Jason Schwartzman... Who knew?

You know the people, the ones who are good at everything. Well I recently found a new one, and not one I would have ever expected... Jason Schwartzman.

Now I like his acting as much as the next guy, he's a great actor. I loved him in Rushmore, I heart Huckabee's and Darjeeling limited (to name a few), but i figured he was just an actor. Turns out he actually wrote Darjeeling limited. He was the drummer and song writer for Phantom Planet until fairly recently and he has composed a number of movie soundtracks.

I was totally blown away. He's only four years older than me and he has done a shit ton of things professionally, most of which were met with a fair level of sucess. I think he gets lumped into the category with the Jack Johnson's of the world. Jack was a professional surfer and decided to retire because he wanted to make music. "I think i will retire from my successful dream career to be successful at another one!"

Makes you want to follow your dreams doesn't it? Now just the small task finding something I totally kick ass at! That shouldn't be hard.

What do you get when you dont sleep?

So this is my "book", portfolio, or whatever you would like to call it. I decided why not put it on the web right? So the masses can view it, cause thats what you all wanted right? No? Well I'll leave it up here just the same. Enjoy or pretend you did.

For Realsies

For realsies I am going to start blogging. I made a promise to Oakie... could you say no to that face? But in doing this i need to make a conscious effort to not...

1) complain
2) complain
3) complain
4) say stupid shit

That being said, let get naked and start the revolution.

Really? 14 Bucks and no refill? Not even a reach around?

Recently my mother was throwing a Christmas party and asked me to take my little brother and sister to a movie, being the wonderful person i am i obliged. We went to the movie and got a large popcorn and drink totaling in at $14, it makes sense with the recent price of corn and beverage syrup being as high as they've been. Both my siblings brought a friend so the supplies dwindled fast, and being that i bought larges i assumed the refills would flow like wine... i was very wrong. I got to the counter and a girl with 4, count em 4, different colors of hair proceeded to laugh at me tell me they don't do that anymore. Now i was parched and i really needed to refill my Poppin' Pink Lemonade, but $5.50 later i was none too pleased.

I just don't understand how they are going to charge me as much as a steak for popcorn and hi-c and not offer refills. For this reason i am banning buying anything at the movies. I think if it is in any way feasible i would like to cook a jiffy pop in the theater before the movie next time i go. I will revert back to the sixth grade when i would sneak candy and drinks into the theater and feel like a super bad ass.. because i was. Since im reverting back to the sixth grade I've also decided to start wearing strange colored denim that matches the color shirt I'm wearing... I've discussed it with my mom and she said she'll pick it out everyday for me, I'm pumped.

Slightly off track there so I'll end this but not before i send out one quick "thanks again" to CINEMAGIC!

Why Isaac Brock may be the greatest musician of my generation

Without question, in my mind Isaac Brock is the greatest musician of my generation. He has an ability to expose these never before realized universal truths in his lyrics that move me in a way that no one else seems to be able to. From his ability to build a thoroughly amazing concept album, Ugly Casanova's "Sharpen your teeth", to his ability to make an entire album an experience on a full spectrum both of emotions but also musical movements.
If you aren't into thinking about music, understandably then, he is probably not for you. However if you look to music as a means of uncovering things about yourself and as a catalyst to understanding things about the world, Isaac Brock may be the most brilliant man you have ignored your whole life.
Indulge your mind with his think pieces that address issues that you have been too big of a wimp to look at, that you have just turned away from, like the reality of love life and the darker side of religion.
I may be a little bit biased, but his music has lead me to enlightenment on several occasions and i know i am actually a fuller person because his music reached me. I listen to a wide array of music but i always come back to his work when i need to think. If you haven't tried it on yet you should, and if you didn't like what you heard try something else there are 9 modest mouse albums that are drastically different in style and feel, there is definitely one for you.
Best song writer of my generation

Hippies are awkward.

I often find myself late at night thinking about that age old question... Is it ok to kill hippies. My immediate response is no, but further thought always leads me to beleive that it is. The very bottom line, in the most blunt way of saying it, is that hippies suck fat lippo suctioned out of Marlon Brando's ass. What has a hippy ever done for you? Other than not wearing a bra, hippies havent done anything for me. Most groups, no matter how bad, usually have some level of social productivity. Convicts even help society more than hippies, they make licence plates when in jail, and take all of minimum wage jobs when they get out. Corky (the retard, not romano) could contribute more than hippies, he could atleast clean up a local fast food restaurant, hippies only make it smell bad. Hippies dont pay taxes and then complain about stuff like the national debt or like dread locks or some crap.
I propose we irradicate this problem. Its not going to be hard, hippies already group together for us when they complain about stuff. We should make them real mad somehow so they protest. This could be done in a multitude of ways, cause everything pisses them off besides see through cottong, but i propose an embargo on incence from where ever the hell incence comes from, we'll say from somewhere easy like United Arab Emerats or something, they will think its about oil and blow an all natural organic o-ring. Once they start freaking out, hemp jewlery production will come to a stand still which allows boyscouts and pre pubecent teen girls to start making those plastic boondoggle keychains again like in this picture.

http://www.yoarra.nl/figuur2/face.jpg

Once we have the keychain market cornered, we can use the profits to buy out the organic food market. We'll stop making it organic by stuffing that shit with yellow die #37 and Maltodextrose, so now instead of cardboard they'll be eating sweet yellow cardboard. We'll tell them after they'd been eating it awhile. They'll probably stage some hunger strike protest which is exactly what we want.
At this point they already smell like an italian wedding because we ceased incence importation, which is the only way they stop from smelling worse, god knows they dont shower. So they will be smelling like ass, and they'll be naked because they cant afford clothes because the keychain market is cornered, and they'll be shitting yellow... that one was just for fun, there isnt really a point i just thought it would be funny. When their all together we'll drop the average amount of beef a person eats per year on them per protester. Only this time since they were on a hunger strike so they start eating it because of all the fucking maltodextrose, only this beef has mad cow disease. They toatally wouldnt see it coming what with the yellow shit and all. But that doesnt kill them, all of their apendixes rupture cause they're stupid and cant digest celulose, i guess no one showed up to them protesting evolution, those cock slobs.
It doesnt necesarilly have to go down like this, they could just stop their bitching, but then they would have to get jobs, but they would try to take the ex-cons jobs and the ex-cons couldnt pay for hookers and they would be humping like sidewalks and door handles and stuff, and no one wants that so getting rid of the hippies is just easier i guess.

God Damn Ninjas

Hide and go seek was always the greatest game when you were little. Hiding in the closet usually is the safest place when your 5 unless you have a fear of Ninja's. You can hudle in the back corner of the closet, but little do you know a ninja coud be huddled right next to you. Thats the thing about Ninja's they take all the good hiding places (thats why the french dont have ninjas), so if you find a good one alot of times you cant take it. And if by chance you do take a spot that a ninja has already claimed you have to befriend him, other wise you will get a foot mitten in your brown eye. And befriending Ninjas isnt always easy, your better off avoiding it, have you ever shopped for a ninja? Honestly where can you find Ninja boots, its not exactly something most stores keep in stock. So you usually have to do cool crap for the Ninja. The problem with that is cool crap for ninjas is way cooler than cool crap for normal people. Ninjas cut off peoples heads on a regular basis and can sneak into the girls locker room and watch them change, oh yeah and they have a theme song by vanilla ice, so the standard issue lava lamp just wont cut it for ninja cool. And on top of it all you cant surprise them with anything, they are always sneaking around your house, sniffing your moms underwear and what have you, they always find gifts. The only way to get a ninja off your back is to play hide and go seek again, only this time tell him to hide, you'll never find him and ninjas never quit.